TEARS of Joy

What if I tell you that I often wonder if I will ever feel happiness again? What if I tell you that at times I feel as lost as the sheep without his flock. Since Sebastian passed away, my life has gone from one ordeal to the other. At times, I feel utterly lost in my new reality. 

I thank God daily for the beautiful surroundings around me, the cozy house, the food on the table, my health, my family and all the friends that are supporting me through these times. Yet, despite having all the basics, the love and the health,  the emptiness in my heart is unbearable; it is an incomprehensible feeling that my mind is constantly negotiating with. 

A continuous emotional rollercoaster decides what will be the level of tears emanating from my eyes on a daily basis; yet surprisingly enough some of those tears are Tears of Joy.

During the night at the hospital, amid this terrible tragedy, I went on my knees beside my son’s bed and started praying to God, I begged and accepted his will by saying “thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven”. I beseeched God for the strength to accept his will and to understand what he wanted for me to do from that terrible experience. I implored God to teach me how to pray and to keep me close to my son, at that moment when the doctors were still trying their best to keep my son alive. Today, my son Sebastian is not with me, he sits beside God in Heaven.

My inquisitive mind has not stopped looking for answers asing where my son’s spirit could be? Is he in fact, coming to visit me throughout the cardinals that I have been encountering since he passed? Could it be the hawks or eagles that have shown above me in the most unusual ways? Are those chills my son hugging me? Is it Sebastian playing with me when the lights start flickering? 

Many theories, many books of the afterlife, many explanations of signs from the other side, descriptions of the different dimensions and here I am, thinking about my son every day and remembering my life experiences with him. I gave him all the love in the world and was always there for him. Today is no different, I continue to be here for my son, this time he is in Heaven; yet this time to honor his time beside me. I am now here, to raise my voice, for all the children that silently scream for help and need an ear. I am here to help them and hopefully through what I now, do save a life, to help alleviate the pain for that parent and to help people in transforming negative life experiences into positive and healthy ones. To live that new ministry, it does bring Tears of Joy.  

That is why, when any of the signs, the chills, the cardinals, the hawks, the eagles, the lights flicker or even when I have a dream with my son, the tears continue coming out, but this time they are Tears of Joy. The spiritual connection that a mother can develop with their children is enduring, is unique and can be felt deep in the heart; that sixth sense kindly develops and allows me to enjoy that spiritual connection; which gives me the strength, determination and peace, of knowing what to do in the mission of Saving Lives. Sebastian is my inspiration, the main reason to find the strength needed to stay focused, mentally healthy and determined to make a difference in the community.

Is that divine and spiritual connection, the one that continues to develop and leads me to continue in this new life ministry, originated from the pain of a tragedy. Everyday, brings me a new spiritual experience with my son; everyday, my mind continues to find clarity and determination. To see the beauty and the power of the prayer in front of me, continues to bring Tears of Joy to my eyes.

God Loves You too… Believe!

With Love, Carol Kohn