The STRENGTH comes from the LOVE

Today, I want to start sharing my experiences, my thoughts and my grieving journey. For many, grief is a hard topic to talk about. Therefore, I want to be the one to start the conversation, by speaking out and relieving my mind from the million thoughts that are continuously floating in it.  My guess is, this will probably ease up the conversation if you ever sit to have a cup of coffee with me.

I want to start by telling you that, to lose a child to suicide, is the worst nightmare admin a parent could ever have; it feels like if the world has crumbled in front of you. To lose a child to suicide changes your life FOREVER, 180 degrees. It feels like nothing is as important anymore. At times it feels like you’re running out of air, your heart shrinks and your skin chills of energy when thinking about your child. The LOVE is so much that it hurts. That hurt is nothing but the purest LOVE that comes from a mother.

If there is something that I’ve  always kept, and will continue to keep in mind at my darkest days, is the fact that, ANYTHING I do, could affect everyone in the family and the LOVE for them is such that I will always place them first in my life.

God has given me the gift of three lives. My three children are my all and the reflection of my soul. Today, the physical presence of my SEBASTIAN is no longer beside me, but I’m aware of how much my other two children depend on me. For the LOVE of my kids, I’ve found no option but to stay strong for my children and my family, whom would be adversely affected if I were to crumble into pieces. Even when at times I feel like not getting off the bed, my children’s voices are the main reason to continue this life journey.

Anyone going through the grieving journey might experience those infinite nights, when nothing but memories, tears and questions arise. Those are the nights when the lack of answers fulfills the sadness of your thoughts and it is hard to find acceptance. Those are the nights when I have found that a journal and a pencil become my best therapist. Just to write my feelings and my thoughts, perhaps my son is watching me from above. That’s all I can do to exhale, as I let it go little by little and one day at a time.

To drown myself into alcohol, drugs, or any other vice to find a solution or express my frustration, sadness or pain was never an option. I truly believe that the healthiest way to manage a situation is never the easiest. Life priorities and the LOVE for your family, children and yourself, are the main sources of the strength needed to stay strong during a tragedy that could crumble your life. 

Lastly, another element that has helped me to find the strength and find a way to turn the negative into a positive, it’s been by talking about what happened, by opening my heart to talk about my feelings and expressing myself instead of hiding my scar. To confront your heart and your mind with reality, breaks that imaginary wall that has been built in an attempt to avoid your fears of grief. 

The strength to overcome a crisis comes from the LOVE of our family, our children and ourselves. Be kind but truthful to yourself, express your fears of a new reality and write your thoughts when sadness arises.

One day at a time… Together we can make a difference.

With Love, Carol Kohn